Noodle Boy is a nickname my son had when he was a tiny guy and I started this blog. His nickname changes all the time. (Don't worry, we keep his real name the same.) He is completely awesome. Read on and see for yourself!

Sunday, December 21, 2008

More old posts

I just like having everything in one place.





Handstands
July 3rd, 2007
A bunch of my friends have given me books about being pregnant. Some are informative, some are funny, some are horrifying. But they all have the same basic information about being knocked up which is good because there’s a lot to keep track of. So the big thing about being pregnant (besides my stomach) making sure that the mommy-to-be gets plenty of rest during the day and around 10 hours of sleep at night. Who the hell has time for that? And they took all the fun out of sleeping. Sleeping on my right side squishes the liver, sleeping on my stomach squishes the kid, sleeping on my back cuts off the blood flow to my extremities and causes ‘roids. Yes, sleeping causes hemmerhoids. So does sitting for too long. I can’t lay on my back, I can’t sit for very long at a time, but it’s not recommended that I walk around too much because that causes swelling in the feet and ankles. So if you see a pregnant lady walking around on her hands it’s because she’s been reading the same books I have. We really have no other choice.


BRAS
June 13th, 2007
I had to buy a bra out of a box. I’ve never bought a bra that didn’t come on a hanger. But guess what. They don’t make hanger-bras that fit giant boobed pregnant ladies. I actually teared up at Kohl’s, standing there at the display of old lady bras. Those silver foxes smiling at me from the front of the box like they’re totally psyched about having five hooks on the back of their bras. How is anyone supposed to be able to line that many hook-and-eye clasps together?And when any garment uses that much material it should be spelled out in caps on the packaging. That box doesn’t contain a bra. It’s stuffed with a BRA



Hey There Lumpy/Crooked Baby
May 29th, 2007
I guess a gal starts looking all pregnant and popped out about four months into the deal. Like, to the day. I went to bed Friday night looking normal, maybe a little thick around the middle but definitely not like a pregnant girl yet. I got up Saturday and I had this bump sticking out! There’s no sucking this thing in or getting by with the fat pants, it’s all over now. So now I’m struttin’ around with a hair tie keeping my pants shut and I am feeling like one classy lassy. And my work shirts aren’t really a fantastic camoflage either. Stupid fitted T-shirts. I was wearing big roomy shirts all weekend and just left my pants hanging open and my husband was none the wiser but then I had to wear decent clothes today and I’m all pooched out in front and he sees my profile this evening and says, "Hey there, Lumpy. Nice stomach." That’s what a girl wants to hear.
Also, my baby is crooked. When I look down I stick out on the left side more than the right. What the hell?! That really bothers the neat freak in me, being all lopsided and uneven. Maybe I should sleep on my right side tonight and see if that helps.

I’m sorry, what?
April 16th, 2007
So did you ever pick up the phone and forget what you’re supposed to do with it? Evidently the pregnancy hormones totally take over the brain and screw everything up. I was sitting there at work and the phone rang, and it’s my job to answer it so I picked it up and had know idea what to do. Was I dialing? Who was I calling? Did it ring? If it did ring what was I supposed to say into the work phone? Not "Hello," hmm let’s see where do I work? Oh yeah! Adel Family Practice! I can’t remember a damn thing! This is crazy. Multi-tasking is out. Two part questions? Can’t do it. I left for work in my pajama pants last week. Luckily when I stepped outside a gail force wind whipped right through that flannel and I remembered "Hey, jammies are for night time, Let’s try slacks for today. "

Bun in the Oven
April 3rd, 2007
Why in the hell would a person get pregnant twice in one lifetime? I would have to be drunk for like six weeks straight before I could be convinced that it was a good idea. I’ve taken so many anti-nausea shots in the last two weeks that my ass feels like a pin cushion. So today I just couldn’t do it again, and I thought "What the hell, I’ll tough it out for a few days and see if the throw up thing is really that bad." It is. I’ve been told that is physically impossible to turn inside-out but I starting to think maybe that’s a lie.
Also, none of my pants button. And it’s not because I’m pregnant enough to have one of those cute pregnant stomachs. It’s because the only food that I don’t throw up is Subway sandwiches and potato chips. So right now I’m ingesting more sodium than a salt-water turtle, so I’m all puffed like a salt water turtle that’s been dead on the beach for three days. Dude, I’m about to pop my shell.

Have baby, will travel.

So for the first time EVER we have to travel to get to Christmas. Christmas has always come to me, as my grandparents have lived in the same town as I have until October of this year so everybody "came home" to my neck of the woods. But "home" moved (dammit!) and now I have to pack up the kid and head north. Which is what the rest of my family has had to do for the last twenty or so years and everybody always made it (barring weather or in-law issues), but STILL. It seems like a very daunting task. Seriously, I'm completely freaked out because: my god it's winter! and we have a baby! and there will be crazy holiday traffic!

But there will be presents and pie up there so...I think we'll risk it.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

shiney shoulder

The other day I was standing in the sunlight by the patio door and my husband said to me, "I never noticed that shirt had sparkles on it before." My sparkle-shirt wearing days have long passed and I wondered what in the heck he was talking about but I just pretended like I knew and nodded like, "Duh, don't you pay attention?!" and went on my merry way.

A little while later my daughter said, "Hey, why is there glitter on your shirt?"

Are these people on acid?

Nope.

The boy had a cold and gook was just pouring out of his face and evidently when baby snot dries on a knit t-shirt it gets shiney and sparkley. Awesome.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Old posts

Baby Olympics
"And now we have newcomer Jon taking the changing table."
"That's right, Connie, Jon has only been participating in Long Distance Peeing for about six weeks, but there's already talk of gold for this young man."
"Bob, I understand that Jon has also placed in marathon eating and the Gymini Triathelon. What a well rounded athlete."
"Well rounded is right! Have you seen that kid's gut?"
"No I haven't Bob but I think we're about to get a look right now. It seems his mom is approaching the changing table and they're about to begin. Let's watch!"
"The crowd grows quiet. Connie, I think we're in for quite show."
"Mom's taking off the diaper...so far she seems to have everything under control...reaching for the wipes...dirty diaper is off. Now it's anyone's game, Bob."
"Mom better move quick if she's going to win this match, he's breaking out his signature move--the big gummy smile. He's quite a charmer, can she stay focused and keep everything under wraps?"
"Oh no Bob! She fell into his trap and the pee is going everywhere! This is an impressive display wit and skill. Wow! Filling the diaper bag and the open dresser drawer! That is one damp sleeve on Mom's shirt! I have never seen an arc like that from one so new to the sport!"
"Connie this was quite a treat today. It's not often we see an athlete hose his opponent with such charisma and charm."
"It sure was, Bob. Next time Mom better bring her A Game to the table."
"Her A Game and a raincoat Connie!"
"Oh, Bob!"
"This was live coverage of the Baby Olympics on NBC. Join us next week as we watch the final rounds of the Burping and Spit Up Challenge."
January 05, 2008 Permalink Comments (0)

He's a baby, not a parrot.
My son is at his most alert and active state from 2 until 4. In the morning. He's very good, he's doesn't scream or fuss. He just wants to wiggle around and squeak for two hours. It's really actually very cute, but for the love of God it's two o'clock in the morning! I've tried rocking him, walking around, singing, patting his butt with him layng on my chest and he just keeps looking around smiling at everything. So I thought maybe if I shut all the lights off and threw a blanket over our heads I could trick him into sleep like you do with pet birds. It didn't work. He just bobbed around under the blanket until he found my nose and then latched on to it like a pacifier. I wonder how they get those fainting goats to konk out on demand.
December 12, 2007 Permalink Comments (0)

I am the mother of a window licker.


My kid licks windows. All of them, any window he can find. I'm a little concerned. He's finally figured out that a screen and a window are not the same thing. He's stopped licking the windows that have screens and now only goes after the sliding glass door and the picture windows. And the windows at other peoples houses. Maybe the cool smoothness feels nice on that hot slobbery pie-hole, I don't know. I shouldn't knock it until I try it. I just can't bring myself to do it though. I've tried, it's like I'm trying to stick my tongue on an electrical outlet or something. I get right up to it, tongue out, eyes closed and I just can't do it. I chicken out every time.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

The Waterfront in Ankeny

Umm, the Waterfront in Ankeny totally sucks for diaper changing. The changing table is in the handicapped stall. And that, as the kitchen staff would say, es no bueno. See, evidently Red Hat Ladies think that because they roam in a pack and wear obnoxious attire they can overrun any establishment that they enter. And since they're all like, a hundred they don't think they should have to wait in line for the bathroom. I got butted in front of by 6 !!SIX!! wrinkle-bags in feathered hats because "Honey, I need the tall toilet he-he". Well guess what, honey, I need the GD changing table and if another one of those effing hats goes waltzing by me I'm going to snatch it and throw it in the tall toilet.

We won't be going back.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Cold Play? Really?

I was wandering through Pottery Barn Kids looking at ridiculously priced children's decor when I came upon a display for RockABye Baby! CDs. They are lullaby versions of popular rock songs. They are really neat it's all instrumental and mellow, but it's cool because they have Nirvana and The Beatles and other totally awesome stuff. I was very tempted to purchase The Rolling Stones, it sounded pretty cool. So I'm flipping through the selection of CDs and I come across Cold Play. Yes, Cold Play in lullaby form. Because it Cold Play REALLY needs to be toned down to get someone to fall asleep.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Please don't feed my kid Cheetos. Seriously.

Don't take this the wrong way. I love Cheetos, I really do. But for the love of God DON'T FEED MY KID CHEETOS! It never fails to amaze me that people will ask me if it's o.k. before they give my dog food from their plate but will just try to cram stuff in my kid's mouth. So my big hang ups with Cheetos are the following:

1.There is no nutritional value in a Cheeto, believe me. When I was pregnant I tried to convince the OB that Cheetos were considered a full serving of dairy. I was very sternly informed otherwise.
2. Babies can't digest corn. Cheetos are chewed up corn with cheese spray on them.
3. My family has allergies to artificial food coloring. The cheese spray is so artificially colored it could be Micheal Jackson.

Should you come in contact with my child while you are enjoying Cheetos please keep them to yourself.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Papa can you hear me?

My dad came over today. That's always a harrowing adventure. He' a little rough around the edges and I find myself constantly reminding him to watch his mouth around my kid. Now that junior is crawling and getting ready to walk we have to take extra safety precautions around the house. Like making sure the toilet is closed. The little guy LOVES the toilet. Flushing it, putting things in it, whatever. I have this thing about the toilet being closed anyway because toilets are gross. There is nothing I hate more than walking into a bathroom and looking into an open toilet. It's like a giant punch bowl for human waste, for the love of God close it if you're not using it. So when the old man needed to use the facilities I gave him a btw about the lid. And when I went in shortly after him I saw that it was open. No biggie, he doesn't have small people around he just forgot. So then he went again. Again I went in shortly after and there is was hanging open, gaping at me like a mounted bass over a fireplace. Again I reminded him. Shut the lid dad, we don't want the kid to get into the toilet. And one more time before he left he went in again(It may sound like he needs to see a urologist but this was a fairly long visit so , you know.) After they were gone I went in to wash my hands and it happened again. SHUT THE GD TOILET!!!!!!!! I don't think he can come back, this toilet thing is not good for my nerves.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Babies R Us

I have mixed feelings about the Babies R Us changing stations. If you go into the women's restroom they have two or three of the Diaper Depot changing stations which totally suck. The flip down part is oval-shaped so there is no room to throw down a clean diaper and a portable wipes container. Also it doesn't quite fold down all the way so junior sort of rolls into the crack. Not handy. Not handy at all.

However...

Unbeknownst to most shoppers there is another room on the other side of the store with a couch, a rocking chair and two full-sized changing tables that are stocked with diapers and wipes. How freakin' awesome is that? I have only recently discovered the secret changing room and I LOVE it. I'm a little pissed that they don't have a sign in the bathroom that reads "Please use secret changing room for non-sucky changing tables". And they should have a sign in the secret changing room that reads "Filling your diaper bag with our courtesy diapers and wipes is really kind of trashy and just ruins the experience for the next mom who needs the same size diaper as your kid and can't use one because you took them all home."

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

White Trash Moms

You've seen her. You've judged her. I have, too. The mom at the grocery store with loud kids in dirty t-shirts. The mom who put Diet Coke in the baby bottle because "it don't got no sugar in it" so it's ok. They are white trash moms. But now that I'm a mom I catch myself doing things that I never thought I would do when I had a kid. I have a feeling that every once in a while we all have white trash mom moments. So I'm here to tell you that sometimes it's o.k. to put your kid to bed in the clothes that he wore all day. SOMETIMES. But seriously most of the time you need to get some jammies on that guy. And occasionally, your kid will have snot on his/her face in public and you will have to wipe it off with your bare hand and then wipe it on your pants. It happens to the best of us. But for the most part let's try to maintain a smidge of class in our day-to-day routines ay, stay-at-home moms? Please look for future posts on white trash mom topics like only feeding your child croutons at restraunts that charge for children under 6 and how long you can be in public with a baby sporting a poopy diaper.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Not really a vacay

Oh man. We just got back from a short "vacation". It's really not a vacation though if you spend the whole time holding a grumpy baby. I couldn't put him down on the hotel floor, ew. And the play pen only keeps him happy for about 20 minutes and then the novelty wears off. It was very trying. Speaking of trying, try sleeping in the same room with a kid who has bat-like hearing. I swear he heard my eyes open when I had to get up to pee. Before I even had the covers pulled back he was peeking over the pen at me. "Bop." That's all he would say, and then he would lay back down. And on my way back from the bathroom the same thing. "Bop" and back down he went. It was very weird and Twilight Zoney. We are both very cranky this evening. Oh and then on the way home Katie (stepdaughter) missed the bus, the cat pooped in the carrier and I ran out of gas. And now my TV just blew up so I'm going to go have a beer. And maybe cry.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

I need to watch my damn mouth.

I can't stop swearing. I love it. I can't even help myself, dirty words just fly out of my mouth and I have no control. So I need to start curbing it now before the boy is old enough to speak and starts dropping f-bombs at church. I love f-bombs. So I am going to try to stop that one first. But it's so effective! Nothing gets the dishes out of the sink faster than when I yell "Don't leave your effin' dishes in the sink, I'm not the g.d. maid!!!" Without the f-word they just sit there. Stinking up the kitchen. And the word moley is kind of a lame substitution for the s-word, unless you stick the f-bomb in front of it and say holy effin moley and then people really understand just how excited you are. This is going to be tricky.

Public Restrooms

I'm a germ-phobe. Always have been. So public bathrooms have never been a very good experience for me. But now it's even worse because when we are out and about I have to not only take care of my own business (as antibacterially as possible) but I also have to manage a diaper change with minimal exposure to other people's cooties. It's very trying. Not all public bathrooms are baby-friendly. And some of them that are baby-friendly are just freakin' gross. Seriously, why would you just leave poopy wipes folded up in the diaper changing station? People are gross. Also, not all diaper changing stations are created equal. Sometimes I wonder who designed some of those things. So I feel like it is my civic duty to report my diaper changing experiences in public places so other people know what they are getting into. I definitely have a list of places that I WON'T go to when I have the kid because it's just not worth the bathroom battle.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Smart=Naughty

Oh man, I'm in trouble. Since Monday my son has accomplished the following: crawling, pulling himself up from the floor, rocking his crib hard enough to move it four feet from the wall and making what I am guessing is supposed to be meowing sounds whenever he sees the kitty. I'm so tired. So I was relaying my week to my friend who is a doctor and she just shook her head and said, "I thought you would probably have trouble with this one." Evidently he's very smart. Of course I've always thought so, what mom doesn't? No he's actually smart. Really smart. She informed me that since he's a "very bright boy" that he would probably start getting in to some trouble. Not that he's going to be a sociopath or anything but he's just going to get the hang of things fast and then need more stimulation right away. Which explains the whirlwind of activity this week. So I'm talking to my husband about the tiny genius before we went to sleep lastnight and I kept hearing what I thought was static coming from the radio under the crib in the other room. I went in to fix the station so it would come in better and when I got into the nursery (on my hands and knees so junior wouldn't see me over the bumper) I realized it wasn't the radio. It was the boy. He was whispering to the baby in the crib mirror. He wasn't talking out loud because it was dark and we're always quiet when it's dark. That's a smart baby.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Play it where it lies.

Now that the boy is eight and a half months old, him holding still for a diaper change just isn't happening anymore. After weeks of fighting to keep him on his back long enough to get the job done, I've given up on the changing table and have moved to floor for everybody's safety. While there are more opportunities for him him to escape on the floor, the potential for injury (his and mine) is less. So now that he has more room to thrash about I've have decided that in order to get the job done with minimal screaming (again, his and mine) I am going to have to change him in whatever position he is in when it's time. Yesterday we did it while he was on his stomach with his head and arms under the crib. This morning we were under dining room table and he was standing up against the pedestal. He actually finds it quite amusing so I guess we'll just keep changing him where ever we happen to be when he's wet. Tonight we are supposed to go out for dinner. This will be very interesting.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Julia vs. Martha: How does one choose?!?!?

I had a dream last night that I was on Will and Grace. It was the episode with Minnie Driver in Karen's closet and they were both calling Jack and he couldn't decide which one to go to. Only I was Jack, and Karen and Minnie were Julia Child and Martha Stewart. They both kept calling me and didn't know what to do, they're both just so fantastic! So the whole dream I was running back and forth in the closet and then the baby woke me up.
So this morning I'm in the living room disassembling the carseat to try get the formula washed out of it while my little bubba is snoozing and guess what's on IPTV? "Baking with Julia" with special guest Martha Stewart!! I was like "Holy crap! I'm a little bit psychic!!" Obviously it was a rerun, seeing as Julia is dead (sigh) and Martha was actually perky and not quite the hardened soul she is today, but still Julia and Martha so who cares how old it is. It was the best 24 minutes of my week. But the carseat still isn't clean.

Friday, June 27, 2008

It's all about the poop.

I am now the mom of a portable baby, meaning he is actually advanced enough to sit up in a high chair or shopping cart, so we can actually go out and about without a back-up. Which is totally awesome because I was beginning to feel like a shut-in when he was too big for the carrier-type carseat but too floppy to hold himself upright. So I was all psyched, ready to go shopping when I realized I am not yet free. None of the places I was going to shop have a diaper changing station, and the boy was way overdue for a poop. So we waited. And waited. And by the time the little dude clenched his fists and made the poopface, it was too late to go anywhere because it was time for a bottle and a nap. This is how I plan my day now, around the big poop.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Spamtastic!

So my very first post got quarantined because the blogger people thought I was spammy. I was investigated and everything, I couldn't post for like, 10 days while the spam review was performed. (IF you want to know more about Spam clink http://www.spam.com/) I totally freaked out I thought, "Holy crap I'm commiting cybercrimes and I didn't even know it maybe I'm like Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde". Turns out I just didn't fill out my profile so that sent up a red flag. I was a little nervous for a while. It was intense. Not like camping though. That's in tents.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Friendster Ate My Blog

So I had a Friendster blog but I can't open it any more. I don't know what happened. I went to blog and the Friendster screen went all crazy and was flickering and now I can't log in. I'm kind of bummed because I had some fanfreakintastic posts on there but wut ev, I guess. Not that I plan to set the world ablaze with my musings, mostly they are for my own entertainment, but it's nice to look back once in a while and say, "Oh yeah, that freakin' rocked." Sad day. Very very sad.