"And now we have newcomer Jon taking the changing table."
"That's right, Connie, Jon has only been participating in Long Distance Peeing for about six weeks, but there's already talk of gold for this young man."
"Bob, I understand that Jon has also placed in marathon eating and the Gymini Triathelon. What a well rounded athlete."
"Well rounded is right! Have you seen that kid's gut?"
"No I haven't Bob but I think we're about to get a look right now. It seems his mom is approaching the changing table and they're about to begin. Let's watch!"
"The crowd grows quiet. Connie, I think we're in for quite show."
"Mom's taking off the diaper...so far she seems to have everything under control...reaching for the wipes...dirty diaper is off. Now it's anyone's game, Bob."
"Mom better move quick if she's going to win this match, he's breaking out his signature move--the big gummy smile. He's quite a charmer, can she stay focused and keep everything under wraps?"
"Oh no Bob! She fell into his trap and the pee is going everywhere! This is an impressive display wit and skill. Wow! Filling the diaper bag and the open dresser drawer! That is one damp sleeve on Mom's shirt! I have never seen an arc like that from one so new to the sport!"
"Connie this was quite a treat today. It's not often we see an athlete hose his opponent with such charisma and charm."
"It sure was, Bob. Next time Mom better bring her A Game to the table."
"Her A Game and a raincoat Connie!"
"This was live coverage of the Baby Olympics on NBC. Join us next week as we watch the final rounds of the Burping and Spit Up Challenge."
January 05, 2008 Permalink Comments (0)
He's a baby, not a parrot.
My son is at his most alert and active state from 2 until 4. In the morning. He's very good, he's doesn't scream or fuss. He just wants to wiggle around and squeak for two hours. It's really actually very cute, but for the love of God it's two o'clock in the morning! I've tried rocking him, walking around, singing, patting his butt with him layng on my chest and he just keeps looking around smiling at everything. So I thought maybe if I shut all the lights off and threw a blanket over our heads I could trick him into sleep like you do with pet birds. It didn't work. He just bobbed around under the blanket until he found my nose and then latched on to it like a pacifier. I wonder how they get those fainting goats to konk out on demand.
December 12, 2007 Permalink Comments (0)
Sunday, October 19, 2008
My kid licks windows. All of them, any window he can find. I'm a little concerned. He's finally figured out that a screen and a window are not the same thing. He's stopped licking the windows that have screens and now only goes after the sliding glass door and the picture windows. And the windows at other peoples houses. Maybe the cool smoothness feels nice on that hot slobbery pie-hole, I don't know. I shouldn't knock it until I try it. I just can't bring myself to do it though. I've tried, it's like I'm trying to stick my tongue on an electrical outlet or something. I get right up to it, tongue out, eyes closed and I just can't do it. I chicken out every time.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Umm, the Waterfront in Ankeny totally sucks for diaper changing. The changing table is in the handicapped stall. And that, as the kitchen staff would say, es no bueno. See, evidently Red Hat Ladies think that because they roam in a pack and wear obnoxious attire they can overrun any establishment that they enter. And since they're all like, a hundred they don't think they should have to wait in line for the bathroom. I got butted in front of by 6 !!SIX!! wrinkle-bags in feathered hats because "Honey, I need the tall toilet he-he". Well guess what, honey, I need the GD changing table and if another one of those effing hats goes waltzing by me I'm going to snatch it and throw it in the tall toilet.
We won't be going back.
We won't be going back.