I just like having everything in one place.
July 3rd, 2007
A bunch of my friends have given me books about being pregnant. Some are informative, some are funny, some are horrifying. But they all have the same basic information about being knocked up which is good because there’s a lot to keep track of. So the big thing about being pregnant (besides my stomach) making sure that the mommy-to-be gets plenty of rest during the day and around 10 hours of sleep at night. Who the hell has time for that? And they took all the fun out of sleeping. Sleeping on my right side squishes the liver, sleeping on my stomach squishes the kid, sleeping on my back cuts off the blood flow to my extremities and causes ‘roids. Yes, sleeping causes hemmerhoids. So does sitting for too long. I can’t lay on my back, I can’t sit for very long at a time, but it’s not recommended that I walk around too much because that causes swelling in the feet and ankles. So if you see a pregnant lady walking around on her hands it’s because she’s been reading the same books I have. We really have no other choice.
June 13th, 2007
I had to buy a bra out of a box. I’ve never bought a bra that didn’t come on a hanger. But guess what. They don’t make hanger-bras that fit giant boobed pregnant ladies. I actually teared up at Kohl’s, standing there at the display of old lady bras. Those silver foxes smiling at me from the front of the box like they’re totally psyched about having five hooks on the back of their bras. How is anyone supposed to be able to line that many hook-and-eye clasps together?And when any garment uses that much material it should be spelled out in caps on the packaging. That box doesn’t contain a bra. It’s stuffed with a BRA
Hey There Lumpy/Crooked Baby
May 29th, 2007
I guess a gal starts looking all pregnant and popped out about four months into the deal. Like, to the day. I went to bed Friday night looking normal, maybe a little thick around the middle but definitely not like a pregnant girl yet. I got up Saturday and I had this bump sticking out! There’s no sucking this thing in or getting by with the fat pants, it’s all over now. So now I’m struttin’ around with a hair tie keeping my pants shut and I am feeling like one classy lassy. And my work shirts aren’t really a fantastic camoflage either. Stupid fitted T-shirts. I was wearing big roomy shirts all weekend and just left my pants hanging open and my husband was none the wiser but then I had to wear decent clothes today and I’m all pooched out in front and he sees my profile this evening and says, "Hey there, Lumpy. Nice stomach." That’s what a girl wants to hear.
Also, my baby is crooked. When I look down I stick out on the left side more than the right. What the hell?! That really bothers the neat freak in me, being all lopsided and uneven. Maybe I should sleep on my right side tonight and see if that helps.
I’m sorry, what?
April 16th, 2007
So did you ever pick up the phone and forget what you’re supposed to do with it? Evidently the pregnancy hormones totally take over the brain and screw everything up. I was sitting there at work and the phone rang, and it’s my job to answer it so I picked it up and had know idea what to do. Was I dialing? Who was I calling? Did it ring? If it did ring what was I supposed to say into the work phone? Not "Hello," hmm let’s see where do I work? Oh yeah! Adel Family Practice! I can’t remember a damn thing! This is crazy. Multi-tasking is out. Two part questions? Can’t do it. I left for work in my pajama pants last week. Luckily when I stepped outside a gail force wind whipped right through that flannel and I remembered "Hey, jammies are for night time, Let’s try slacks for today. "
Bun in the Oven
April 3rd, 2007
Why in the hell would a person get pregnant twice in one lifetime? I would have to be drunk for like six weeks straight before I could be convinced that it was a good idea. I’ve taken so many anti-nausea shots in the last two weeks that my ass feels like a pin cushion. So today I just couldn’t do it again, and I thought "What the hell, I’ll tough it out for a few days and see if the throw up thing is really that bad." It is. I’ve been told that is physically impossible to turn inside-out but I starting to think maybe that’s a lie.
Also, none of my pants button. And it’s not because I’m pregnant enough to have one of those cute pregnant stomachs. It’s because the only food that I don’t throw up is Subway sandwiches and potato chips. So right now I’m ingesting more sodium than a salt-water turtle, so I’m all puffed like a salt water turtle that’s been dead on the beach for three days. Dude, I’m about to pop my shell.