Noodle Boy is a nickname my son had when he was a tiny guy and I started this blog. His nickname changes all the time. (Don't worry, we keep his real name the same.) He is completely awesome. Read on and see for yourself!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

If you fart in the elevator, you deserve what you get.

Children are enamored with farts. They have been since the dawn of time. I think girls get over it by age 8 or 9, but boys think farts are great until about age 20. Or if you're my husband, age 43.

Farts are funny.
Farts are gross.
Farts cause riots on the school bus.

A fart will never go unnoticed in the presence of a child. Nor will anything resembling a fart, for that matter. Squeaky floorboards, smelly egg salad sandwiches and growling stomachs have all invoked accusations of the beloved gastrointestinal phenomenon, usually aimed at the heaviest kid in the room. To be answered, of course, by cries of "No I didn't! It wasn't me!! Shut up you guys!!"

At two years old my son has already developed a fart infatuation, most kids have by this age I think. So of course when we were in the elevator at the mall and the guy standing next to Jon let one loose, we were all notified immediately.

It started with a very audible sniffing, like he really had to inhale to get the full effect. And then...the shaming.

"Pew, mom. Stinky."
I thought maybe if i ignored the whole situation he would let it drop. No such luck.

"Peeeeee- YOOOOOOO! Niff it, Mom, stinky! Jon smells it! Stinky!"
The guy and I both shift uncomfortably, pretending we don't know what Jon is talking about.

"Blech! Go away! Shoo! Stinky! Smells like SKUNK!"
And then he starts fanning his nose with one hand and waving the other at the guy.

Really I just wanted to die.
But probably not as bad as Stinky Pants did. But what did he expect was going to happen when he farted two feet away from a kid? Whose face was at ass-level by the way. I mean REALLY. Was he home schooled? Has he never been around children? How does one get to be an adult and not know how kids react to flatulence?

It was a harrowing experience for all of us. I was mortified by my child's antics, Stinky Pants got called out on his silent fart, and Jon thought that guy had a skunk somewhere on his person. It was the longest 45 seconds of my life.

Monday, February 15, 2010

My son, the clepto.

A few months ago we accidently left a toy from the diaper bag at a local restaurant. We went back last week and low and behold, there on the table where the crayons and coloring books are kept was the toy. It is be no means a special toy, in fact I think it's just from a Happy Meal or something. It cheap and cheesy and I hadn't even noticed it was gone. Jon however was delighted to see his long lost treasure and was even more excited to see that his name was still on the back and everything. So we ate and Jon had a grand time catching up with his long lost pal. when go home time rolled around I was a little conflicted as to what to do with our newly reclaimed toy. It was originally Jon's, but I wasn't really sure I wanted to be seen taking a toy out that nobody saw us bring in. But it was Jon's. "JON'S MOM!" There was no leaving it behind this time. So instead of having Jon carry it out and look like we were stealing reastaurant toys I discreetly put it in my purse until we got to the truck.
Problem solved.
However there was a new problem when we were at church the next day. Jon decided he needed to take home one of the trucks from the nursery. I went to put his coat on him and he thrust the truck into my hands and whispered (in that very loud kid-whisper) "Mom! Put it in purse! Jon have it outside!"
Nice.