Jon has an allergy to peanuts.
He also has a flare for the dramatics.
When we got the diagnosis from the allergist, we explained to Jon the dangers of peanuts and told him that if he ate a one we might have to use his Epipen. Which involves jabbing a syringe of epinephrine into his thigh and most likely panicking until help arrives. I just told him about the jabbing, not the panicking. I knew he'd pick up on that part himself.
Now, at least once a week, we have an "incident".
The first incident scared the bajeebers out of me. Jon came running up to me panting, holding his throat and said, "Mom, I got a peanut. I can't breathe! QUICK! Get my Epipen!"
I of course freaked out. Where the hell did he get a peanut?! Where is the Epipen?! I can't breathe either! Oh God! I'm going to pass out and he's going to die from anaphylactic shock!
Don't worry, I quickly got a grip.
Only to find out that he's a big fat faker.
I jumped off my stool and ran for my purse with lightening speed and returned, wielding the Epipen like a madwoman.
"JON, WHERE DID YOU GET A PEANUT? ARE YOU OK? MOMMY HAS THE PEN, YOU'LL BE OK." Loud Mom Voice is out of control at this point.
I whipped the pen out of it's protective cover and lunged for him. He threw his arms up and gave me some jazz hands and said "WAIT! I'm just pretending. I don't have a peanut."
If I were a cartoon this is when the black rain cloud would be drawn above my head.
"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!"
"No, Mom," all sweet and innocent, "I just pretended that."
At this point I was beginning to understand why some animals eat their young.
Instead of eating him, though, I explained that we couldn't pretend he "got a peanut" because peanuts were serious business and we couldn't mess around like that. He understood.
Now instead of Jon having a peanut, it's usually one of the Buddies that falls victim. And instead of his Epipen he gets out a trusty Bic pen. Nothing works better for stuffed animals in anaphylactic shock.
"MOM! Tiny got a peanut! Quick! Get his Epipe-e-e-en!" and he takes the cap off the "epipen" and jabs it into poor Tiny's thigh.
"Now I gotta count to ten, Mom." This part is hilarious because he sort of loses track before he gets to ten.
"Ok, you go call Tiny's mom, I gotta rub his leg. It's ok, Tiny. You just got a peanut. Here comes your mom."
And then it's back to business as usual.
His dad is not as good of a patient as Tiny is. We were all in the living room watching TV one night when Jon decided maybe his dad had a peanut and couldn't breathe.
Really what had happened was his dad had fallen asleep and was snoring.
Without a word Jon jumped up and grabbed a fine-point Sharpie, took the cap off and stabbed his dad right in the thigh.
"OH MY GOD! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME?!"
Jazz hands again from Jon, "It's ok, Papa. You just got a peanut. I need to rub your leg now. Shhhhh."
We had to have another talk about pretending that somebody got a peanut, because nobody wants to get stabbed in the leg with a Sharpie. He understood.