Sometimes, Mommy needs a break.
So I like to sneak away to the ice cream store after Jon goes to bed once in a while. It's exciting! I can drive fast, with the music really loud and not have to worry about whether or not the F-word is in the lyrics. I love ice cream nights.
Well, I loved ice cream nights. Back before I got caught.
Lately Jon has been wandering around the house after bedtime looking for me. Usually I'm in the shower or out in the family room watching TV. But Monday I opted for ice cream over watching "Unique Eats" on Cooking Channel and Jon saw me leave! If he stands up in his bed and balances just right he can see the garage door out his window, (if he doesn't balance just right he ends up ass over tea kettle on the floor) and he saw me sail right through it with my purse in hand.
His dad tried to convince him that I was taking a very long shower.
He heard me pull back into the garage and was peeking out his window at me, eating my very delicious ice cream treat in the unmistakable cup with the tall spoon and straw sticking out of it. (For all my homies who know where to get the good stuff-it was an Oreo Krunch shake WOOT!)
I was wrapped up in vanilla-Oreo deliciousness and had no idea I had been spotted.
Dave was waiting by the door, pensive.
"I think he knows you were gone."
"How could he know?! What did you say?!" I felt like I had just gotten busted coming back in the house after sneaking out after curfew.
"I told him you were in the shower, but he didn't believe me. He came out here SIX TIMES. I think you better go in there."
I'm not sure why we were handling the matter of my going to get ice cream with such seriousness, but we were both very tense about the whole thing.
"I'm not going in there! Nothing says 'Hey, I've been gone!' like waltzing into your kid's room in the middle of the night. It's fine, he's asleep." Didn't I wish.
Then the unmistakable sound of Jon-feet came pounding across the house.
"Quick! Hide my ice cream! He's coming!" I tossed the goods and met Jon at the family room door.
"Mommy! I missed you!"
"What are you doing up, Booper? You're supposed to be asleep."
"I need another kiss. Will you come tuck me in?"
"You bet, let's roll." I turned and gave Dave the *whew* look over my shoulder. I thought we'd pulled it off. I was so wrong.
"Mommy, why is your hair not wet?" Jon asked on way to his room. "Dad said you were in the shower."
"Oh. I used the blow dryer in Katie's room so it wouldn't be wet when went to bed," I lied, "hop in there."
"Are you wearing you daytime clothes to bed? That's not your jammies."
"Well I forgot to take my jammies to the bathroom when I took a shower so I had to put my clothes back on." Geez, Columbo you don't miss a thing.
"Oh. Can I have a kiss?" Thank God, it was almost over.
"Mwah! Goodnight, babe."
"Mom? What's that sweet smell on your face? Smells like chocolate." I have to tell more lies! And my ice cream is melting!
"It's chapstick. I have chocolate chapstick in my purse." Yes, hi, is this Hell? Great, reservation for 1 please.
"Oh. Mom? I think I saw you go get some Mario (Jon's word for Oreo) ice cream after I goed to bed."
HE KNEW THE WHOLE TIME AND HE WAS MESSING WITH ME! I'M A BIG FAT ICE CREAM SNEAKING BAD MOM WHO LIES ABOUT CHOCOLATE CHAPSTICK AND HAIR DRYERS! AND HE KNOWS IT!
"Yes, honey, I went and got some ice cream." It felt good to confess. I braced myself for the water works, sure that he was going to be devastated by my betrayal.
"Oh. Can we go get Mario ice cream tomorrow after supper?" That's it? No tears? No shaming of the terrible mother?
"Yes! We will go get you some Mario ice cream after supper."
"Okay, good night."
And that was it. That was the end of my late night ice cream fun. Some how the magic had been lost in my web of deceit.